In other news, same-sex marriage may be legal in the United States, but in some areas of the country it can still be difficult to even get a fucking CAKE for your wedding if you aren’t marrying according to an arbitrary set of rules beamed down from a spaceship thousands of years ago. This was the case for David Mullins and Charlie Craig, who in 2012 tried to order a wedding cake in Colorado but were turned away because their marriage offended the owner Jack Phillips’ religious beliefs. The case is being heard in the US Supreme Court this fall, and amidst worries that discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation will be effectively legalized, The Satanic Temple has weighed in to show their support for the LGBTQ community. Spokesperson Lucien Grieves has announced that if anyone is refused a cake for their same-sex union, The Satanic Temple “will host a party in your honor at [its] headquarters in Salem and order a cake that praises Satan from your offending discriminatory ‘religious liberty’ enthusiast.” While sexual orientation is not a protected class under the Civil Rights Act, religion is, so no matter how god-fearing a baker is, they can’t legal refuse to make a cake that celebrates Satan himself. You know the reason they refuse the same-sex marriage cakes is because they’re scared Satan will be there infiltrating their brain and making those gay thoughts pop up and sending them STRAIGHT TO HELL…so why not just send them there directly with a big ol’ Baphomet sigil, some candles and some sacrificial blood? Or maybe just a couple of gay dolphins. Here’s the official statement from The Satanic Temple:
Our organization has received a lot of concerned messages from people who are upset by the prospect of an environment in which the LGBTQ community are openly and legally treated as second class citizens. The laws of the United States require that no one may discriminate by way of refusal of service against an evangelical theocrat for their religious beliefs, but the evangelical theocrat may discriminate against LGBTQ people because of who they are. Because religion is a protected class, a baker may refuse service to LGBTQ people, but they may not refuse service based upon someone’s religion. If they aren’t willing to make a cake for same-sex unions, let’s have them make a cake to honor Satan instead.
So whatever kind of union you are celebrating, make it as evil as Jesus said like a billion years ago. Here’s some inspiration to take to your local Bible-thumping bakery: