Craigslist is amazing if you like finding anything you could possibly need or want second hand and cheap. There’s just one big down side – the flakes. The people you email who respond once, and never respond again. The people who email you about your ad, arrange a time to pick up, and then never show, and never email you again. Those people make me crazy. So when I found Emails From an Asshole, I was stoked thinking that maybe some of those flakes were getting their comeuppance. And even if they weren’t, it’s fucking funny to read this dude’s hilarious replies to Craigslist posts, and the hijinks that ensue. Check out some of my favorite email exchanges below, and read more on his site!
Original ad:
Clean fill
Need clean fill rocks are fine. not much. cannot pick up must deliver. will take off you hands for free.
From Me to brad ********:
Hello,
I have some rocks I need to get rid of. I have several different types of rocks ranging from 1/2″ to 6″ rocks. Just let me know what kind you want, how much you need, and when I can send my guy to deliver.
Thanks,
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
well i need them to fill a small whole in my backyard so bigger rocks i guess? 6 inch would be good. i only need like 2 wheelbarow loads so not too many. when can you deliver?
From Me to brad ********:
6″ it is. I can have a truck there to deliver any time between 9-5 Monday through Friday. Where are you located?
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
do i have to be there for the delivery? i work every day so those times arent gonna work for me. if its cool could you drop them off tomorrow? just tell your guy to put them on the grass at the edge of my driveway next to the shed
heres my address:
517 *********** ln
coatesville, pa
From Me to brad ********:
No, you do not have to be there. I will forward this information to my driver and you can expect the rocks tomorrow.
From brad ******** to Me:
great
The rest of this conversation is the following day. I looked up his address in Google street view to figure out what his driveway looked like.
From Me to brad ********:
Hey Brad,
Just wanted to let you know, we actually need to get rid a few more rocks, so my guy is going to deliver them to your house in about 15 minutes.
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
wait what how many more? i dont want any more i have nowhere to put them
From Me to brad ********:
We sent a truckload with about 8 tons of 6″ rocks. Don’t worry, all the rocks are free of charge.
From brad ******** to Me:
8 TONS? what the fuck you better tell your guy not to deliver them
From brad ******** to Me:
you got that? DONT DELIVER THE ROCKS
From Me to brad ********:
I just got off the phone with my guy, he said he just delivered the rocks. He told me you didn’t leave him enough room for all 8 tons by the shed, so he just dumped them in front of your garage.
Best,
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
WHAT THE FUCK!!!! i told you dont delever them you fucking dipshit! the fuck am i gonna do with all those rocks? you better get rid of them by the time i get home man….. how am i suposed to park my fucking car?
From Me to brad ********:
I am sorry that we had to block your garage, but you should have left more room next to the shed if you wanted them dumped there. Unfortunately we lack the necessary machinery to load the rocks back into the truck so removal is not an option. Also, my driver said he accidentally backed into your shed and broke one of the windows. We apologize for this. Consider the free extra rocks as compensation for the damage.
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDING ME MOTHER FUCKER YOUR PAYING FOR THE SHED
I LEFT YOU PLENTY FUCKING ROOM FOR THE AMT OF ROCKS I ASKEDFOR. YOU DIDNT SAY YOU WERE DELIVERIG 8 FUCKING TONS OF ROCKS YOU PEICE OF SHIT!!!! USE YOUR HANDS I DONT GIVE A FUCK HOW YOU DO IT BUT IF I FIND 8 TONS OF ROCKS IN MY DRIVE WAY THERE IS GONNA FUCKING HELL TO PAY
FUCKING ASSHOLE
From Me to brad ********:
Brad,
If you insist on us removing the rocks then we are going to have to charge you a $500 rock removal fee.
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
THIS IS SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT
From Me to brad ********:
I am sorry you feel that way, but without the $500 removal fee, we cannot remove the rocks. I realize you must be upset about your shed, so if you like, we can deliver another 4 tons of rocks as our way of apologizing for the shed.
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
NO DICKHEAD WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT MORE ROCKS??? DUMBASS
THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT. I DIDNT ASK FOR 8 TONS OF ROCKS AND IM NOT PAYING SHIT. YOU OWE ME FOR THE SHED AND YOU GET THOSE ROCKS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU FUCKING PRICK
From Me to brad ********:
If you aren’t paying, then you have to keep the rocks. These are really nice rocks, though. I’m sure you will be able to find use for them. I have a pile of rocks in my backyard and it makes for a great conversation piece. If deer are a problem in your backyard, you can use these rocks to throw at them. They also make great paperweights. There are plenty of things to do with these rocks, so enjoy them.
Mike
From brad ******** to Me:
im at my house now. where are the rocks?
From brad ******** to Me:
oh FUCK YOU
Original ad:
Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.
Judy
From Me to ************@**********.org
Judy,
I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.
I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.
Mike
From Judy ******* to Me:
Mike,
I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.
Judy
From Me to Judy *******:
Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn’t fair, if you ask me.
Mike
From Judy ******* to Me:
Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don’t mind me asking?
From Me to Judy *******:
Not at all. It really wasn’t a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he’ll be playing now is “shitting in a bag” (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner’s office considered it “gross misconduct” and “assault” and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!
So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be “Murderin’ Mike” (don’t worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I’ve only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron!) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won’t stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.
I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.
Best,
Murderin’ Mike
From Judy ******* to Me:
What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.
From Me to Judy *******:
Whoa there. Don’t be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I’ve got news for you, Judy, you couldn’t be more wrong. In hockey, we don’t fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.
I’ll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I’ll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They’ll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the “bowling ball”, where you gouge both of the opponent’s eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.
With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.
Mike
From Judy ******* to Me:
You aren’t coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don’t know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that’s meant for these children.
From Me to Judy *******:
Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don’t deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn’t fazed. I didn’t see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?
Mike
From Judy ******* to Me:
Give me a freaking break. You know that isn’t what I meant. Don’t pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don’t give a damn about these children.
From Me to Judy *******:
Judy,
I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn’t learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids – it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.
Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.
Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,
Mike
From Judy ******* to Me:
Sure – her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL
Sincerely done talking to you,
Judy
Original ad:
Wanted – CHILDRENS DVDS
Movies wanted for children aged 5 and up – will take all unwanted DVDs!
From Me to *********@**********.org:
Hey there!
I’m trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I’ve had since I was a kid. The movie stores won’t take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I’d love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.
Mike
From Julia ****** to Me:
Mike – Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?
From Me to Julia ******:
Julia,
Here is the full list:
Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alladin
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Fantasia
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5
Please let me know which ones you want.
Thanks,
Mike
From Julia ****** to Me:
Mike…some of those titles are inappropriate.
From Me to Julia ******:
Julia,
Which titles are inappropriate?
Mike
From Julia ****** to Me:
I think you know which ones…
From Me to Julia ******:
Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with “The Scorpion King,” the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.
I hope this clears things up.
Mike
From Julia ****** to Me:
No…explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.
From Me to Julia ******:
Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.
You’ve really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I’ll find the plot summaries for you.
Backdoor Creampies – Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen – selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn’t all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.
Big Black Threesome – Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.
Finally 18 and Legal – A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.
Mattress Slaves 3 – Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)
Wet Squirters 5 – The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.
Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.
Mike
From Julia ****** to Me:
You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.
From Me to Julia ******:
Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children’s movies. So do you want them or not?
By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:
Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney’s Double Penetration Cockblasts 3
Mike
From Julia ****** to Me:
Okay I’ve had enough of this. You are a nut.
From Me to Julia ******:
Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.
From Julia ****** to Me:
Go to hell.
Original ad:
hi there i am a 22 year old female babysitter looking for a job. i am available pretty much all the time so if you need someone to look after your kid, let me know!
From Timmy Tucker to **********@***********.org
Hey,
I saw your ad about babysitting and am very interested. My grandmother is in the hospital and is probably going to die. She is never awake when I am there, and the doctors say she is only awake for about 5 minutes every couple of days. The problem is, I need her to sign a re-drafted will I wrote so I can get all of her stuff when she dies. Right now she has all of her money going to my bitch sister and her family. I don’t have the time to sit there and watch her all day because I have better things to do. I need you to sit at the hospital and watch her in case she wakes up, and then make her sign the will. I will pay you $10 an hour for this job.
Thanks,
Tim
From ***********@gmail.com to Me
no thanks that is sick! show some sympathy you prick!
From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com
Obviously I am not offering you enough money. I will pay you $15 an hour, but in return I need you to unplug her life support after you get her to sign the will.
From ***********@gmail.com to Me
YOU ARE FUCKING SICK I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL
From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com
You clearly do not have the right mindset to enter the fast-paced industry of babysitting. I will find a babysitter that has a little bit more balls than you.
From ***********@gmail.com to Me
FUCK OFF
