Although the Emails From an Asshole site is rarely, if ever, updated any more, I still return to it whenever I need to laugh at the internet emotional outbursts of others. I have read them all so many times that I think I need to get my hands on the book! Here are a couple more of my favorite Craigslist interactions between “Mike” (aka “Lenny”) and whomever takes his bait…
Original ad:
Do not Use Lenny the Mechanic:
He has an ad on here for car repairs and I asked him to fix my blown head gasket. He showed up to my house, broke a bunch of parts and left. He has been avoiding me ever since. DO NOT USE THIS GUY.
Lenny, if you are reading this, you owe me an explanation.
From Me to ***************@***********.org:
Hey,
My apologies for bailing on your car. I know I have been hard to contact; I lost my phone and had to get a new e-mail address. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make it up to you.
Lenny
From **********@gmail.com to Me:
You could start by explaining yourself…
From Me to **********@gmail.com:
Well, I was pretty baked when I showed up, and I had just eaten a bag of shrooms and taken three hits of acid. I thought I would be able to fix your car before the shrooms and acid kicked in, but I was wrong. While I was disconnecting the sensors, I started tripping pretty hard. At one point it looked like the intake manifold was laughing at me. I freaked out and bashed it with a socket wrench, and then ran back to my car and got the hell out of there. I’m not sure what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up naked in a church confessional booth two days later. When I got back to my house, the State Police were there and told me they found my car abandoned in a car wash about 50 miles away. Needless to say, it has been a crazy weekend for me. That is why I was unable to fix your car.
From **********@gmail.com to Me:
Uh…not sure what to take from all that. You deemed it a good idea to take drugs before working on my car because…why?
From Me to **********@gmail.com:
Honestly I forgot I had to work on your car. I remembered after I took the shrooms and acid. Once I get my car back from the police, I should be able to come over and finish working on your car. Oh by the way, sorry about the dump I took on your lawn. I was too embarrassed to go inside and ask to use the bathroom because it would have been obvious that I was tripping.
From **********@gmail.com to Me:
Unbelievable. I don’t want you to do any more work on my car. I do want you to pay for the damage you did to my car. If you don’t, I will take you to small claims court.
From Me to **********@gmail.com:
Whoa man, why are you being such a dick? Not cool. If anything, you should be paying me. I seriously fucked up my hand when I hit your intake manifold with the wrench. It feels like I fractured it. I don’t have any health insurance, and seeing as I got injured under your employment, I think you are obligated to pay for my medical bills.
From **********@gmail.com to Me:
Not a chance in hell. I think all those drugs you took fried your brain – you’re fucked in the head if you think any of this is acceptable. If you don’t pay the damages, we are going to have a problem.
From Me to **********@gmail.com:
I have another eighth of shrooms I can give you…will that cover it?
From Me to **********@gmail.com:
I’ll take that as a yes?
Warning: The following post contains graphic images. If you are offended by the sight of food-dye, corn syrup, and ground beef, you may not want to read this.
Original ad:
Humane “hav a heart” traps for kittens needed
There are some kittens in my neighborhood that need to find good homes. I need a trap 4 the cats to help bring them in. Please email me if you have a trap (and a heart)!
From Me to *********@********.org:
Hello,
Are you still looking for a trap for cats?
Mike
From Deb ******* to Me:
Yes I am can you help me?
From Me to Deb *******:
I most certainly can! I believe this trap is for those who want to “have a heart.” I used it to catch a stray cat that kept coming into my garage. It is called the KittyHugger. All you have to do is put some cat food on the trigger, and when the cat comes to eat it, the trap gently contracts into a hugging position and comfortably hugs the cat until you come back to deal with the little guy. Please let me know if this will work.
Mike
From Deb ******* to Me:
Mike- I have never heard of a trap like that. I was referring to the “Havahart” traps…you know like the cages for animals?? Do you have any pictures of the trap? I’d like to see how it works before I get it. Thanks.
From Me to Deb *******:
Absolutely. I’ve attached a picture of it. Sorry if it is a little messy; I haven’t cleaned the trap in a while.
Attachment:
From Deb ******* to Me:
YOU’RE SICK!
From Me to Deb *******:
Excuse me?
From Deb ******* to Me:
You killed that poor cat OMG
From Me to Deb *******:
I didn’t kill the cat. I told you it was a little messy. The last cat I caught knocked over the bowl of juice I gave him so he wouldn’t get thirsty. As you can see, it made quite the mess. I assure you this trap is 100% safe and humane.
From Deb ******* to Me:
IT OBVIOUSLY IS NOT SAFE. IT IS COVERED IN BLOOD
From Me to Deb *******:
You’ve clearly never seen a juice spill before. You have a twisted imagination if you think that is blood. I guess you don’t want the trap.
Before you give up on me, I have one more trap you may be interested in. I actually think it is one of those Have a Heart traps you were talking about, though I’ve never heard it called that.
Please see the attachments. As you can see from the pictures, the kitty will have plenty of room to be safe and comfortable. It comes with a black tube at the end that is used to pump warm air into the cage to keep him warm while he waits to be released.
I’m sorry I didn’t have time to clean the trap. It is still a little messy because the last cat I had in there spilled his bowl of juice and his cat food. It went everywhere!
Mike
Attachment:
From Deb ******* to Me:
Wow can’t you read the ad you sick jerk? I DON’T WANT TO KILL THEM
How you managed to turn that trap into a bloody mess is a mystery to me but keep the hell away from me!!!
Original ad:
From Dave ******** to Me:
yea dude that would be great. it needs to be for like $1200 but your a mechanic im sure you can think of something that costs that much. essington is kinda out of my way so i just need a good reason for my wife that explains why i was down there, ya hear?
From Me to Dave ********:
Alright, I can print one out in a few minutes and scan it for you. As for your wife, just tell her you were on your way to Chester to buy drugs and your car broke down, so you just had it towed to the nearest shop. Be sure to mention how great our service was.
Mike
From Dave ******** to Me:
yeah great idea genius that would go over real well. im better off coming clean about my bad luck in atlantic city, but that aint happenin neither
From Me to Dave ********:
I don’t see why it wouldn’t go over well. Lots of people go out of their way to Chester for drugs. I get my coke from Chester all of the time. It is cheap, and good, too.
Anyway, I’ve attached the invoice I wrote up for you. I forgot to ask the Make/Model/Year of your car, so I just took a guess. If I am wrong, let me know and I can change it.
Mike
Attachment:
From Dave ******** to Me:
if you guessed 98 corolla then id be impressed otherwise could you put that in, and date it for today? thanks a lot for your help dude
From Dave ******** to Me:
wait a minute what the fuck is this shit
From Dave ******** to Me:
$200 to unjam a tape deck are you for real man? that isnt even a real problem
what the fuck is a “transgasket differential” are you serious dude, this shit isnt going to fly. 50 bucks to set the dashboard clock wtf man
like seriously man are you fucking retarded? wtf is this bullshit
From Me to Dave ********:
Yes, I typically charge around $200 to unjam a tape deck. Have you ever tried to do it? It is a pain in the ass. Some people panic and try to rewind their tapes and that just makes it even worse.
I charge $50 to set the dashboard clock, but it is well worth every penny. It is the most accurate time reading you will ever have. I sync it down to the millisecond with the official NIST time, and I have it verified by a certified time expert.
You’ve got me there on the transgasket differential. I just make that up and charge $400 for it and people usually pay it without much argument. Especially women, which brings me to my next point.
Women tend to know nothing about cars, so your wife will probably just look at the document and get confused by all that fancy car lingo. All women need to see is the money amount, which I have made very clear at the bottom of the invoice.
Mike
From Dave ******** to Me:
cmon man quit dicking me around and put some real shit on there. i dont know what kind of bullshit shop you are running over there, but neither me or my wife would believe this thing
and fix the car info. out of all the guesses you could have made you guessed that i drive a fucking delorean? for real dude?
From Me to Dave ********:
Sorry, you just struck me as the kind of guy who would have a DeLorean.
If you really think your wife isn’t going to fall for that, I’ll give you a more realistic looking document. Here is a realistic bank statement you can use to show your wife where your money went.
Mike
Attachment:
From Dave ******** to Me:
wow thats great buddy thanks for nothing you fucking retard
hey why dont you go fuck yourself in the ass with your transgasket differential. what a douchebag
