In the past, I have taken you on explorations of some of my favorite things, with articles on drugs, the occult and mental health. While I have written about kink, it is time to dig into specific fetishes and take a more detailed look at them. We will start with some of my personal favorites, and then look at others I only have a more passing interest in. So let’s start with “Consensual Non Consent.” Consent can be a fragile topic given some current events, so I will break it down for you…if it’s not your kink, don’t do it. Now moving forward with those who are interested.
All fetishes are rooted in some unconscious puzzle lurking below the surface. If someone says, “I just like the way it feels,” then they are about as deep as a paper plate and you might want to reconsider who you are playing with. A little self-awareness goes a long way. Left to explore sexuality with no real therapy in regards to early child abuses I survived, one of my first outlets was horror movies. I found them very erotic. I hated vanilla Playboy channel porn and was only aroused by a monster or madman terrorizing a busty damsel in distress…note to self: why I am writing that in past tense, as it hasn’t changed. So the natural and more conscious act of digging into this murky area of my libido came in role-playing these things. The first exploration into this was with a girl in college who gave me a spare key so I could hide in her apartment behind a door and attack her in a hockey mask when she came home. Adult life finds me fortunate enough to work in the haunted house industry. This affords me the opportunity to literally be the monster who has gotten to terrorize said damsel in distress. In some of the 18 and up Haunts, when going into these scenes I employed a similar type of protocol establishment where I said, “Say ‘banana’ if I am too rough,” or “here’s what I am thinking, how does that work for you?” In many cases, the actresses formed enough of a dialogue with me to say ,“I really liked it when you choked me that time, can we do more of that,” or “ That was fun, feel free to pull my hair harder when you pick me up off the floor.”
This can become “edge play” when it comes to the more conventional view of S.S.C. I am in the minority of the “old guard” who is o.k with R.A.C.K., which stands for “risk aware consensual kink.” I am big on two things: personal accountability of both parties and communication. I do not think R.A.C.K. makes it a good idea to discard safe words, since you can sit down and lay out a specific script of what will take place and an excited newbie will agree to it because they don’t want to seem like a newb or the idea is so thrilling they are caught up in the moment and haven’t stopped to think what the reality is going to feel like. So it’s good for them to have an out. It is my experience not everyone knows how to say what they mean and mean what they say. So I type up everything send them a dated copy and have it signed. Everyone learns differently and I think having something to read so there is no misunderstanding is important and adds another layer of safety. Everyone is new to the experience once, so over communication is better than under communicating.
A few helpful suggestions in the interest of safe, sane and consensual include making sure the victim doesn’t wear anything of sentimental value. It’s ok to glaze their eyes shut with baby batter, but tear up their Black Veil Brides shirt from senior year and you have got a problem. Guns are not my thing – for some people, it might be I suggest NEVER using a real one, no matter how sure of the safety you are – and a loaded one has no place in the dungeon. If you think it does, you might be better off masturbating while you play Russian Roulette, as we gotta thin the herd somehow. Knives literally get you into edge play; this becomes more of a personal choice – make sure to stay away from eyes and major arteries, lest someone sneezes in the scene. In my professional work in BDSM, I never crossed over into penetration with clients, as that was where the line between work and my own personal journey was drawn. Though with a well-planned protocol, elements of this could cross over into the degradation. Tearing off clothes, fondling while they are bound works well in a scene constructed to look like a home invasion. While classical conditioning can eventually make this work, this is one of those areas where if both participants are not 100 percent into the idea, then find someone who is, as it just might not be for them and no one can be all things to everyone.
Things to keep in mind here. This not for beginners – have a year under your belt of having a sense of your limits, since you have to know where they are before you can start pushing past them. Those who know what they are should go over this when defining protocol. Some might argue it ruins the element of surprise. I think if this is being done for therapeutic effect as exposure therapy, then knowing you have passed the mark is important. It’s like working out – if you have been afraid of putting on the 3rd plate to bench press 315 lbs, when you do it and see, “Well, perhaps my fear of that was a reality more easily overcome than what my mind made it out to be,” it’s empowering and you find you are stronger than you thought, making it to the 4th plate and 405 in a third of the time. However, much like the gym, where strength level might vary in accordance to what you ate or how much sleep you got, people change due to things like mood swings, stress and chemical shifts, so make sure to check in and review before going into this. They agreed to the protocol last Friday, but it’s Wednesday night and they had a fight with their husband on Tuesday – are they in an emotional state where they can handle this? This can be a very healing, empowering and intense experience; it can be fun, you can alway lighten the mood, perhaps add a color like “polka dot pink” if this is needed or “beige” if it needs to get more intense, as maybe they were expecting more. This is not something I have pencilled in every Thursday, but something I have enjoyed over years in the lifestyle, so I share it with you as food for thought. Check back as we continue to dig through my kinks and yours …happy spankings.