Astrology is polarizing, I get it. Some people believe wholeheartedly that a person’s birth chart can determine both the conscious and unconscious facets of their personality and life path, while others think it’s fucking dumb and don’t even talk to me about it, you new age Buzzfeed loser. Hey trolls! I pre-empted your comments right there, saving you time so that you can post more memes or leave racist youtube comments or whatever it is you do for fun these days.

Anyway, let’s find a happy medium somewhere and acknowledge that while astrology has some airy fairy qualities, it can also be interesting to explore anything that creates connections between human beings. So here’s some food for thought for all of us who are fascinated by serial killers and have some interest in astrology – a list of notorious serial killers, grouped by their sun signs. Someone want to do their birth charts and figure out moon and rising? Mars would probably be very relevant. But I don’t have time because I am about to enjoy my weekend, so I’m gonna keep it light. Disclaimer: I realize that serial killers usually have childhood trauma, psychological issues, and a host of other influences that lead to their penchant for murder. AKA Not *all* Geminis are serial murderers. But a surprising number of serial murderers are Geminis…

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)

Aries are fiery, impulsive, and quick to lose their tempers. So it’s honestly not hard to imagine them killing people in a fit of rage. I feel like they would be battling with their inherent need for attention, and want desperately to be recognized for their killing prowess.

1. Joseph “The Racist Killer” Franklin … 7-22 victims

2. Donald Harvey … 37-57 victims

3. Keith “The Happy Face Killer” Jespersen … 8 victims

4. Paul “The Casanova Killer” Knowles … 18-35+ victims

5. Herbert Mullin … 13 victims

6. Charles “The Serpent” Sobhraj … 12+ victims

7. John Reginald “The Monster of Rillington Place” Christie … 8 victims

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

I’m a Taurus, and I can attest to the fact that the very rare times I’ve gotten truly angry – not annoyed, irritated, upset, or somewhat angry, all of which I can easily control – it was like a fucking hurricane of anger took over my body. I just wanted to destroy anything and anyone in my path. I felt like the Hulk. So yeah, I can imagine Tauruses killing people. But there’s only a few of us who go that far because mostly we want to chill, eat and fuck.

1. Martha “The Lonely Hearts Killer” Beck … 3-17 victims

2. Albert “The Moon Maniac” Fish … 3-9+victims

3. H. H. “The Torture Doctor” Holmes … 9-200 victims

4. Earle “The Gorilla Killer” Nelson … 22+ victims

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Serial killers are often described as appearing totally normal; blending into society at large, but with a dark alter ego. Kind of like Jekyll and Hyde. So it’s not that surprising that the twins top the list with the most serial killers in their midst. Two-faced is an understatement.

**Jeffrey “The Milwaukee Cannibal” Dahmer**

1. David “Son of Sam” Berkowitz … 6 victims

2. Kenneth “The Hillside Strangler” Bianchi … 12 victims

3. Richard “The Dracula Killer” Chase … 7 victims

4. John “The Michigan Co-Ed Killer” Collins … 1-7+ victims

5. Jeffrey “The Milwaukee Cannibal” Dahmer … 17 victims

6. Peter “The Monster of Dusseldorf” Kurten … 9+ victims

7. Danny “The Gainesville Ripper” Rolling … 8 victims

8. Arthur “The Monster of the Rivers” Shawcross … 14 victims

9. Peter “The Yorkshire Ripper” Sutcliffe … 9+ victims

10. Wayne “The Atlanta Child Killer” Williams … 23-29 victims

11. Robert Lee Yates … 16 victims

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Cancers are all about co-dependency and care. Genene Jones is the perfect example of a Cancer serial killer – a nurse murdering the infants who depended on her for their care. But apparently killing people means you don’t have anyone depending on you any more, so it’s not a great choice for Cancers.

1. Genene Jones … 2-60 victims

2. Carl Panzram … 5-22 victims

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Leos love themselves more than any other sign of the zodiac. Killing people means you get caught, which means you’ll have to lay low either to avoid detection, or because you’ve been put in jail. No one can admire your beautiful mane if you’re behind bars, so again, not a great choice for attention-loving Leos.

1. John “The Acid Bath Killer” Haigh … 6-9 victims

2. Myra “The Moors Murderer” Hindley … 5 victims

3. Anthony “The Cleveland Strangler” Sowell … 11 victims

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Virgos are the most anal of the zodiac, by far. I’m assuming many of these Virgos got annoyed by something their victims said or did, and they took the most extreme form of correcting them by ending their lives. We are all useless fuckups in the eyes of Virgos.

**Paul “The Schoolgirl Killer” Bernardo**

1. Rodney “The Dating Game Killer” Alcala … 8-130 victims

2. Richard “The Angel of Death” Angelo … 8 victims

3. Paul “The Schoolgirl Killer” Bernardo … 3-4 victims

4. Richard “The Thrill Killer” Biegenwald … 6-9+ victims

5. Albert “The Boston Strangler” DeSalvo … 13 victims

6. Ed “Psycho” Gein … 2+ victims

7. Harrison Graham … 7 victims

8. Henry Lee Lucas … 157+ victims

9. Gerald Stano … 22-41+ victims

10. Marybeth “The Bad Mom” Tinning … 1-9 victims

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Libras want everyone to like them, and everyone to want to fuck them. These guys were probably incel-types that were angry about their advances being rejected. I bet they were also pretty easy going with the cops when they were caught. Just a reminder, I am pulling this all out of my ass.

**Patrick “The Freeway Killer” Kearney**

1. Angelo “The Hillside Strangler” Buono, Jr. … 12 victims

2. Gerald “The Love Slave Killer” Gallego … 10 victims

3. Patrick “The Freeway Killer” Kearney … 21-43 victims

4. Bobby Joe “The Classified Ad Rapist” Long … 10+ victims

5. Carlton “The Stocking Strangler” Gary … 7 victims

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

I have a soft spot for Scorpios; they’re my sister sign and they’re great in bed, but goddamn they rank high on the serial killer potential scale. It’s probably their tendency to be possessive, jealous, paranoid and secretive – undeniably great qualities to have if you want to give in to your impulse to kill and get away with it.

**Carl Eugene “The Sunday Morning Slasher” Watts**

1. Alton Coleman … 8 victims

2. Nannie “The Giggling Granny” Doss … 11 victims

3. Belle “Hell’s Belle” Gunness … 40+ victims

4. William “The Lipstick Killer” Heirens … 3 victims

5. Charles Manson … 7 victims

6. Carl Eugene “The Sunday Morning Slasher” Watts… 22-100 victims

7. Amy Archer-Gilligan … 10-50 victims

8. Leonard Lake … 11-25 victims

9. Alton Coleman … 8 victims

10. Derrick Todd “The Baton Rouge Serial Killer” Lee … 7+ victims

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius is an adventurous sign, always looking for something and someone more fun to hang out with. They’re very outgoing and love attention, so this picture of Ted Bundy waving in court with a friendly psycho kinda look on his face is iconic Sagittarius. They probably continued to kill because they got bored with reminiscing over their earlier victims.

1. Ted Bundy … 30-36+ victims

2. Richard “The Torso Killer” Cottingham … 6+ victims

3. Edmund “The Co-Ed Butcher” Kemper … 10 victims

4. Dennis “The Monochrome Man” Nilsen … 12-15 victims

5. Gary Heidnik … 2+ victims

6. Raymond “The Lonely Hearts Killer” Fernandez … 3-17 victims

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns love planning and methodical approaches to life, so these killers were probably very organized. They’re almost as anal and judgey as Virgos, and just as intolerant of uselessness. But they like following rules, so they must have had to create some kind of alternate “code of conduct” in order to justify their law-breaking.

1. Joe “The Alligator Man” Ball … 2-20 victims

2. William Bonin … 21-36+ victims

3. Ian “The Moors Murderer” Brady … 5 victims

4. Dean “The Candy Man” Corll … 28+ victims

5. Vincent “The Brooklyn Strangler” Johnson … 5 victims

6. Charles Ng … 11-25 victims

7. Wayne “The Vampire Rapist” Boden … 3 victims

8. Dorothea “The Death House Landlady” Puente … 3-9 victims

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius people are fucking weirdos. They’re not going to follow your stupid laws, they follow their internal compass, so when that goes wrong, it goes very wrong.

**Gary “The Green River Killer” Ridgeway**

1. Jerry “The Lust Killer” Brudos … 4 victims

2. Robert “The Butcher Baker” Hansen … 17-21+ victims

3. Joel Rifkin … 9-17+ victims

4. Gary “The Green River Killer” Ridgeway … 49-90+ victims

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces are the emotional vampires of the zodiac, and you’ll find that most of them have a victim or two in their grasp at all times. Most of them are content with destroying you emotionally and psychologically, but some of them have the need to consume your life force for real. They also rank high on the serial killer list, and I can’t say I’m surprised. These serial killers probably realized their passive aggressiveness wasn’t sating their need for human agony, so they turned to murder.