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#hotjesus Died for S&M

Do people still think hell is a thing? If all the #hotjesus hype is any indication, then YES, they do. Apparently, there’s a risk we might burn in hell for gritting our teeth and grinding our thighs through Son of God. If so, I will be one crispy chick.

Since when has Jesus ever NOT been sexy? And I’m not just talking cinema. I own a lot of Jesus crap. Plastic rosaries, prayer cards, holographic paintings. Find me a Jesus that doesn’t turn me UP. (Okay. Maybe that one with the bug eyes in Carrie. That thing is made of ugly.)


Madonna said that when she was a little girl, she was drawn to depictions of Jesus on the cross. Because: SEXY. But let’s just clarify “sexy”. Sexy is not the same thing as “hot”. Women tend to understand this better than men. Why did so many of them bang Bukowski? Bukowski was NOT HOT. His face was a gnarly steak. The kind left out for days. The one Joan Crawford made her daughter eat in Mommie Dearest. But he got more pussy than anyone reading this post. Because: sexy.


Sex appeal doesn’t necessarily correlate with physical hotness. It’s the way you walk, the way you talk. It’s your words, ideas. It’s movement, essence, intellect. It’s indefinable, because it just IS. Does it get your dick hard? Then: sexy.

There is nothing in my life that doesn’t get me hard. Music, movies, men. Not sexy? Not interested. Not “hot”? I could still be down. As long as you’ve got that combination that revs my engine More About Cheap Swiss Replica: rolex replica.

I’d rather not say “hotjesus”, because that’s an oversimplification. Sure, the guy playing Jesus in the latest Christian blockbuster is classically attractive. So what? Can we talk about what’s really important here? Jesus was totally S&M.


A half-naked man, strapped to a cross, writhing in… ecstasy? Definitely hardcore. Totally metal and SEX. Start Googling “S&M Jesus” and you’ll get sucked into a black hole of deliciously blasphemous BDSM. My absolute favourite is a Yahoo Answers user who asks: “Was Jesus for or against S&M dungeons? I can never remember!” HAHA. Also: DUH! Whips, chains and extreme bondage resulting in DEATH. This is one devout kinkster. Also, as many users point out, “Get behind me, Satan” is totally an invitation.

Sorry, guys. “#hotjesus” was around long before this dumb movie.

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Written By

Cookie is the bastard daughter of Mr. Christie. She writes about movies, music and menstruation.



  1. Guygeorge

    March 30, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    Bukowski fucked ugly hoes

  2. Jimmy Emmanuel Escobar

    March 28, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    That weird dude in Carrie was St. Sebastian.

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